locked.

i dunno me.
i've never known me.


Like many other disorders, claustrophobia can sometimes develop due to a traumatic incident in childhood.
my mum was doing my brows just now...
i dunno how long she took..
but it seemed forever..
she pressed me down in my swivel chair...
i found it hard to breathe
and after a really long time... i started breathing really heavily
and something in me.. told me i had to break free...
i kept struggling to leave the chair but she shuned my pleas, thinking that i was just impatient
until i started tearing and she received a shock..
i got a shock myself too..
i thought it was only in enclose spaces that i'll feel that way..
but i think somehow.. someone pressing me down or trapping me.
will trigger the pain as well...
yest, they closed me in the toilet again...
for fun, i was really scared..
but i tried not to show it..
i knw showing fear would only bring more pleasure and satisfaction to those who locks me up..
i don't know why my fear can bring happiness,
and i don't understand the logic..
i knw they don't mean it.
but if they really left the door and lock me in..
i will go mad.
i think thats why i need to build up my strength..
thats why i'm walking so fast,
to show that i'm not weak.
thats why i like to carry heavy things,
to show that i'm not weak.
well, but at least i have friends now..
just that i still feel locked behind the doors.
and the real me, that i've so well hidden.
that me myself, have forgotten where it is,
and how it looks like.
its and it now, because i'm not sure what form it takes.
or even, if it takes up any.

so i'll wait. for the day, where the keysmith come,
and free me from the locked door,
and i'll own that pair of keys myself,
to do be able to open it myself.

but right now, i am still locked.

walls had immediate impact on me,
i wonder how it would be,
if i didn't leave that place..
would i be like them?
if were them,
would i have alrdy grown immuned towards the pain?
where walls are too high...
and the door is locked.
and when i feel so small...
so small...
yet unable to squeeze through the empty spaces of the door...