Narcolepsy

felt terrible today.
havent cried for ages..
but it broke today.
finally.
i tried to hide it, but i guess im not very good at it
was that supposed to be motivation or pressure whtsoever??
i dont see any of it.
infact, it totally affected me, in a negative way?...
but its quite true, as to what she asked.
what are you good at??
seriously. i think theres nothing.
nothing at all...
if u consider crapping, stoning and falling asleep a talent.
i'll champ the talent contest.
yes, aint kidding.

sometimes its not that i have no answer to her questions,
but its simply just my retarded brain...
it requires a few minutes to process and think of what the person just said.
i dunno why, but my brain's just plain slow. which is why i cant understand stuffs in lectures..
unless its repeated a few times.
yes, this is how slow my brain is...
so i don't "huh" or pause because i cant think of the answer or don't know how to answer..
i just need time to process the question
and.... knowing that my brain reacts super slow to a highly impatient and pressurizing teacher,..
it retards even more.. and anxiety, panic, cold sweat, adrenaline, all gushes through my whole body a thousand times.... and looking at everyone's expression, trying to tell me the answer.. giving me that "are-you-an-idiot?-this-is-so-easy" kind of expression... it freaks me out even more... with all these happening all in a few nano seconds... its too overwhelming for me to take.
i really want to burst out of the classroom... or just jump down from the econs classroom and land on the tracks, dying ugly, when im already ugly enough….
The beautiful ugly, and the ugly beautiful.

I don’t understand why…
But I fall asleep even without knowing..
But even when I close my eyes accidentally for that few seconds..
My mind is still active, still alive, still very pretty much hearing the loud blarings of the teachers….
But during that split second, I just feel a shake or a tap and see the teacher’s eyes staring into mine, filled with disgust and disappointment.
I am not the kind that will just sprawl on the table and sleep..
And im not the kind who let my eyes just shut.
I try every single time I can or need to keep it open..
To at least force it open when I realised its close…
But the teachers just won’t understand don’t they??
Not only teachers, friends have shot me that look as well
“Why are you always sleeping?!!” I see that line written all over their face.
Do I feel like I like to sleep in class?
To always miss out prolly that minutes of lessons??
Do I like the feeling of always getting pointed out for falling asleep??
I get so pissed off about this sudden lapses of times when I fall asleep…
So I did some research about this thing and I realised theres this disorder that totally fits my experience.
Narcolepsy:
- People with narcolepsy may visibly fall asleep at unpredicted moments (such motions as head bobbing are common).
- People with narcolepsy may dream even when they only fall asleep for a few seconds.
The main characteristic of narcolepsy is excessive daytime sleepiness (EDS), even after adequate night time sleep. A person with narcolepsy is likely to become drowsy or to fall asleep, often at inappropriate times and places. Daytime naps may occur without warning and may be physically irresistible. These naps can occur several times a day.
Its quite freaky to see myself fitting in to these symptoms, even though theres finally explanation to my drowsiness and unability to control my eyelids and sleep at the same time listen and write..

i will seek doctor's help soon, to certify. so that i can stop being maligned by irritating teachers and even getting irritated with myself. it was embarrasing on my way home today... i just switched off on the train and dropped my food and created a small din...

sigh.... what can i do?? how can i deal with this????